Mindstream

We get ready to watch a movie. It’s been awhile since we did this. My eyes are still red and burning. They probably will be for quite some time. Yours are calm, emotionless, they always are. But I see inside, the hunger you feel, the want you have for him.

I pause for a moment and get up, we need drinks of course. I steady myself on by the kitchen sink. Strength. I need strength. Pushing you down hard, making you quiver. Your body aching with want.

I shudder. Like you did, but for entirely different reasons. A few steady breaths. Not heavy and ragged like yours, burned with lust. I quickly down a drink for myself, and fill another for you.

You have the movie started already, no one watches the opening anyway you smile. I smile back weakly, hiding as best I can. I hand you the cup, our hands touch, and I feel him on you. Electric fire racing across your body, arching to meet him, begging for him to touch you.

I turn my head before you see me, and make an idle comment about the preview. You agree. You always do. I wish sometimes you would make conversation with me. Instead you offer me some popcorn, I take a bite and try to not think.

I force a smile. You force one back. You think I can’t tell, but I can. I always know. I fall back to the couch with a sigh, your light vanilla smell hits me hard. His musky sweat hits me harder. I swallow hard, take another drink.  You haven’t touched yours yet. Popcorn always makes you thirsty.

The movie starts finally. You murmer approvingly under your breath. Happy for it to start. Happy for him to finish with you. Caught up in your own selfish wants and desires.

I put my arm around you, for a moment you recoil. I used to do the same thing. I wonder why you are afraid, are you afraid of me, or yourself? I set my arm higher, I don’t want to touch you anyway. You sink into the couch, letting the soft fabric wrap around you instead.

I know you’re thinking of him. His arms wrapping around you instead of mine. His kisses on your neck. Do you regret it? Do you even care? I take another piece of popcorn. Your drink has long since fallen over. Not that we care. We’re too busy buried in each other.

You whisper my name, but I hear the pause, the slight hint that you’re thinking of someone else. I don’t fool myself for a minute thinking you want me. You can never know I know you know.  You are playing a game, and you’re good, but I’m better. At least that’s one thing I’m good at.

We’re done and your eyes are still dead. Your mind is busy elsewhere. Who are you thinking about now? I awkwardly touch your chin and you look at me fondly, but a brief shock passes through your face before you regain composure. Him.

I slide off to bed. My eyes burning again. I know if I were only better, if I were only like him. The one you truly love. You wish me good night, and I only smile and nod, afraid my voice will break for you, like my heart. You wait a few minutes and dial the phone.

I know who you are talking to, I only wish you wouldn’t talk to loud. You think I’m asleep, but I’m not. I never am. I can’t sleep when you’re like this, excited to talk to him. I wrap my head in the pillow, but it doesn’t help. It can’t help. The voices are inside my head and I can’t get them out.

You tell him about your day, and talk to him about things you’d never tell me. I wish you would, I wish you would talk to me like a friend. The conversation steers away, he always does that. I know what he wants, so does she, and she is more than glad to give it to him.

I hear you with him, but not. Wishing he was me. I want to make you like that. I want to hear those noises, but I want to be the one making them. Maybe I never well. You sound rushed, hurried, but you don’t care. Again you’re lost. I scream to myself but no one else can hear it.

Maybe you heard it. The door shut and I hear the car start. I know where you are going. You can’t hold back. You never could. You could always tell me no, but never him. He is your master, and I am your slave.

The distance does nothing to stop the waves. I feel him touching you, tasting you. I feel you yearn for him like you never could for me. I feel you on him, and him inside you. Your body hot with pent up need. I tried to take care of you, but I failed, I always fail.

You both build up and release, over and over again. You two are happy together. Happier than you could ever be with me. I know he is lying to you. You don’t know it of course. You never could see the lies. It doesn’t matter though. Soon it’ll take effect.

My eyes are heavy now. It’s too bad you didn’t drink your drink. It is making me forget everything. The warm blackness starts to take me. Soon I won’t feel anything anymore. You’ll find me when you get home and you can be with him. I do wonder if you’ll ever find the needle.

It took a lot of effort to find someone who was already well along. When I told him what I had in mine, he laughed at me. But I got what I wanted. I am sick now and have been for some time. I made sure before I went ahead with everything. I won’t have to worry about it anymore.

I had hoped you wouldn’t have to either. That you would pass it along and join me. But you are too selfish. That’s fine. You can be with him. Growing weak together and watching eachother fade away. I slip through with a small smile, I can’t feel you anymore. I can’t feel anything anymore. Finally I can rest.