http://consumerist.com/5382858/monster-energy-trains-legal-guns-on-beverage-review-website

Matt and \”The Monster\”- RockMonster Energy Drink

Why corporate America makes me sad.

Today’s post brought to you by the little guy.

Pets

Shadowkitty

Cleokitty

Questions asked and answered

Prizes aren’t worth anything if anyone can get them.

Which reminds me of a joke. Maybe I’ll tell it later. Maybe I’ll get the guy who tells it better than I to tell it later.

Symballius is was born in a small desert tribe in the desert. She was raised by her harem-mother in the comfort tents of the Tribe’s slavemaster. Her exotic features proved to be very popular and she was sure to fetch a high price when she was finally sold. She was given a comfortable life in public, well fed and clean, as it is a status symbol to have healthy slaves. However in private she was abused continuously, the bruises that no one could see would not lessen her value. No one knows the exact nature of what happened to her, as she herself would never speak of it, and those who did know are unable to speak at all.

The tribe wandered around the desert picking up strays, foolhardy people who tried to cross the desert on their own. The desert was vast and magic did not work well there. It was nearly impossible to summon any sort of provisions in the field and everything needed to be taken along. The Shyrr raided caravans, while the Trogh, undermined any attempt at creating a stable route. The human nomads dealt in slaves, and traded their captives for provisions such as water and food.

This was the only life Symballius had ever known. Her harem-mother tried her best to raise her properly and protect her, but the cruel slave master hated her. It was suspected that her birth-mother who died during childbirth was his favorite. He resented another man fathering a child through her and resented Symballius even more for the murder. The innocent girl was shown no mercy and quickly knew the harsh realities of desert life.

There passed a day, she had had enough. Symballius, raised as a devour follower of the gods, prayed fiercely for retribution, her wish was granted in the form of a divine boon, she was granted a spell that caused anyone to experience anything they had ever put anyone else through, granted to her by Valgodth, the god of Vengeance. She discovered the spell as the slavemaster came to claim her as his new wife. The resulting trauma destroyed his mind and left him a lifeless shell. She escaped that night into the desert fearing for her life and fearing her own power.

She was followed by a Shyrr known as Gil. He had kept an eye on her for quite some time; following the tribe monitoring them. Gil was a scout for his clan, and as such was honor bound to capture anyone roaming their territory without permission. As Gil approached the girl to take her, he found himself unable to take her. When she awoke, he was standing by her guarding her and offered to take her to safety. In doing so, Gil knew he would be forever exiling himself from the tribe, but he had no other choice, such was the power of fear and awe he felt.

In the port town, Gil helped her get passage on a boat to the other continent. Gil had noticed someone following them for some time, and went to take care of that. Symballius waited on the boat for Gil, but he never came. As the boat was launching, she was once again scared and alone. She tried her best to make herself hidden. She was used to hiding and being unseen. However someone on the ship was looking for her. Whoever had been following them had boarded the ship as well and was searching her out. He must of killed her only friend she thought in horror.

Exhaustion and fear finally caught up; to her. A gang of local slavers caught up to her and were preparing to have their way with her. Suddenly a knight rushed in and saved her. Quickly dispatching the small group, he protected her for the remainder of the trip. The young knight was known as Sylagrin and belonged to an order of knights pledged to protect the innocent. He was handsome and strong, and he vowed to protect her on her journey. His endless energy was only matched by his enthusiasm. Unfortunately she had no idea where she was headed. The knight explained how he was tracking down the mercenary known as Basloc Arpaggio. And had heard he had recently made his way to the continent she was on. He lost track of him and was on his way back home in defeat.

When they disembarked, Sylagrin actually spotted his quarry once again. Basloc had been on another ship ahead them, and it was him who had ordered Symballius’ capture. Basloc quickly fled losing himself in the mountainous terrain. The two followed him, as best they could. Occasionally given help by mysterious signs warning them of danger, or pointing them in the right direction, or showing them shortcuts. Symballius gave thanks to the gods for their providence and Sylagrin gave thanks to his. Soon they tracked Basloc to an ancient temple deep within the mountains.

Symballius and Sylagrin had grown quite close during the journey. In the weeks they spent together travelling they had both saved the others life. Symballius found she had a knack for healing and defensive magic, while Sylagrin’s Sword was the best in the land. The two braved a great many perils before finally reaching their destination. They knew Basloc was inside and there was no way out of the temple. This was going to be their final confrontation. At camp outside the temple, the two consummated their love for each other. Afraid of what might happen in the future. The portents warned that they were both in grave danger and neither was likely to survive to see the next new moon.

Gil watched the two growing closer, growing ever jealous. He had been the mysterious benefactor. He had hoped that Symballius would have realized and tried to drop subtle hints she would recognize. She took those to be the portents that drove her closer to Sylagrin. Gil finally made himself known n the morning of the final assault. Pledging his loyalty to Symballius and vowing to protect her. Sylagrin welcomed him as an ally, seeing what he believed to be a peer. Symballius was happy to see her old friend alive. They went into the temple together to confront Basloc.

Basloc revealed that he knew the world was dying. He didn’t know how much longer it had, but he knew of this ancient ruined temple that once was used to escape. Basloc had spent the majority of his adult life trying to find an escape, and while he found the temple long ago, he had never had the ability to unlock it’s secrets. He lacked a massive power source to open the gate once again. He revealed that both Symballius and Sylagrin were descendants of a long lost order of shaman; able to channel energy in different ways, while Symballius was turning out to be a powerful priestess, able to channel her emotion into magic, Sylagrin was able to channel his emotions into stamina and strength, either one of them should have been enough to power the machine, but together, he would be sure to escape.

The battle quickly equpted; Sylagrin confronted Basloc while Gil stayed behind to protect Symballius. Unbeknownst to either of them, Gil had poisoned Symballius with a paralyzing agent. She was growing weaker and weaker each moment, Basloc was furious since that had rendered one of his power sources useless. Gil pointed out that the two of them would be able to easily take out the other power source. Together they rushed Sylagrin and overwhelmed him. Symballius had lost conciousness and fallen into a deep state of shock. Gil knew he could revive her at a moments notice, with Sylagrin out of the way, she would be his alone.

Sylagrin was sacrificed in the temple, his energy being used to open the gate. Basloc, let slip how he had no intention of letting the two of them through the gate with him, since there was only enough energy for one person to be let through. Furious Gil tackled him through the gate. What Basloc had neglected to mention was that he was also a member of the shamans, and himself a great source of energy. Such that the gate was overloaded and exploded, taking everyone in the room to a strange and alien world.

Local Talent is hard to come by

Due to a technical difficulty with my computer eating the WAV file as it got compressed. This is a remake. Sorry.

Services Rendered

Hate

Listen to me spill some vitriolic rage.

Reproduction

How pretty soon we’re all alone.

http://kotaku.com/5371658/japanese-internet-reacts-to-bbcs-dying-nation-claims